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Basic Training, or, Sergeant James Instructs - GIMP MASK REPLICANT [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Basic Training, or, Sergeant James Instructs [Dec. 25th, 2007|12:23 pm]
"Now this," said Sergeant James, "Is what we likes to call a fourth order Solomonic manifestation, or if you was a scholar, you might want to call it an afrit. Very common sort of thing, this. If I were to tell you all about our bothers with them in Palestine we would be here all day and no mistake. You will note the spidery limbs and the black what you might call hair just like the engraving in your Guide. And yes, Mr Blake, 'is eyes is indeed particular red and fiery. Just you don't look direct in 'em and you'll be fine.

"No need to be scared, Mr Mather. You will notice the horrid little thing has a collar, castiron, demons for the control of fitted, so he can't do you young gentlemen no harm. Well, no real harm. Yes sir, the non-military types would call it a demon, but we are pleased to be in Her Majesty's forces so we will refer to it a fourth order manifestation of the Solomonic variety as laid down in regulations if you don't mind. Sir.

"Now then, who wants to be first? Come now, you young gentlemen is to be officers, where's your marital spirit? Yes, I meant martial, Mr Firth, thank you very much. You'll be up against far worse than this poor little fellow if you ever become officers. This is strictly a tuppeny-ha'penny manifestation, on account of we don't want to lose none of you gentlemen so soon in your training. Mr Blake, you seem keen to get to grips, so if you'd be so kind...

"That's the style, step in the pentacle and keep yourself at the ready while Corporal Hawkins looses 'im, then just you give it to 'im like he stole your beer or made eyes at your lady friend. Oh, well done, sir! Lay it on with a will, sir, he ain't a living thing so it don't count as cruelty. Yes, Mr Mather, treat a dog like that and you'd be up in front of the magistrate but this is no dog, sir. Oh my heavens, no. Just you ignore that whining, it don't signify nothing.

"Well done, Mr Blake! You're sure you ain't done this before? Really, sir? Yes, you is a natural, sir. Careful with that damned thing, Hawkins, or I'll have you up on a charge! Oh for f___'s sake - pardon my French - don't you scuff them runes or I swear to G__ I'll -

"Now you, Mr Mather, don't be shy, he can't hurt you much, being as he is barely real. Yes, yes, them is what you might call claws but I seen worse on the mess room cat. Are you set? Good, good. Do it, Hawkins, loose the b____r.

"Oh now, sir, what did I just say about not lookin' 'im in the eyes? Oh, dear me. Ugh! Put a handkerchief round that someone, that blood is a b____r to get out of the linoleum. Hawkins! Give 'im the wand, Hawkins, filthy little manifestation. No sir, that won't leave hardly no scar and nobody really needs their little finger any'ow. Off you go to the sickbay right away. Tell 'em no need to cauterize, just a Solomonic on a bad day.

"Now I hope you other young gentlemen ain't discouraged none. Mr Firth, would you -? Good show, sir, that's the spirit. Give 'im hell, show 'im who's in charge. Maybe not quite so - well, no mind, sir, plenty more where that came from. We just don't expect you young gentlemen to banish 'em by hand, is all.

"And that is all for today. Don't forget to enter this in your logbooks. Tomorrow we shall proceed to manifestations of the third order, we have some particularly vile leshi for your instruction. Nasty little b______s they is and I shall expect you to really give it to 'em. Bless you sir, yes, of course leshis is Russian. Don't nobody even look in their grimoires nowadays?

From: (Anonymous)
2009-05-01 10:19 am (UTC)
Very amusing, even if I found myself picturing Sergeant James as Sid James, all yelling at the others with a face like a picked walnut. Still, better than picturing Tony James in the role!
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